Trigger Warning: Domestic Violence
Have you ever used one of these before?
It's an emotion wheel. My therapist got me to start using it a couple of years ago. I have one pinned on my fridge. It's part of the Acceptance-Commitment Therapy (ACT) I am working through.
There's supposed to be reprieve in acknowledging the emotion I'm feeling.
I was staring at the emotion wheel just before, when I was feeling overwhelmed by anxiety. I noticed that there was no emotion for anxiety on this wheel. I guess it's because anxiety is not the emotion.
My eyes drew attention to the Sad section. I then became aware that I was feeling ashamed and guilty. All the memories had come flooding back as a result of my work in Step 1 and I am overwhelmed by the things that I had done and said while in active addiction.
Those memories also included flashbacks to my childhood.
I felt guilty for the things that I couldn't prevent in childhood. I couldn't be the one to make my parents get along, I couldn't stop my dad from hitting or choking my mum, I didn't have the power to take us all away and lead us to a better life.
This memory reminds me of one of the speaker tapes on the unmanageability of our lives as part of Step 1. As we get closer to Step 2, we will need to come to an acceptance of needing help from a higher power.
My relationship with a higher power as I understood it as a child has been scarred, because God certainly did not answer my cries for help when my parents were fighting.
I remember sitting in my room with the toy soldiers I had, putting together a plan of action of how I was going to lead my sister and my mum away from my dad. And then eventually my dad would see how horrible he was being and change and then want us to come back.
I know now that none of that was in my control, but I still feel guilty that I couldn't fix that situation.
I told my sponsor on the weekend that I am 90% convinced that I cannot do this on my own, but the main doubt is with the belief that I should be able to do this. I also have had to do a lot of things on my own in life, I never asked or expected help from anyone, and this will be my biggest mindset shift.
Now, as an adult in sobriety, I feel guilty because my recovery has led me to this state of pessimism, I will now acknowledge is depression. That depression is affecting everyone around me, in particular, my girlfriend. I feel she is exhausted by my constant complaints of the world and unwillingness to do things.
So, I feel guilty about how I'm feeling, which makes me feel guilty about my recovery. And that guilt is also feeding my depression and anxiety.
Over the weekend, we celebrated my girlfriend's aunt's birthday. My girlfriend's mum says to me: "are you going to be alright?".
"Yeah, why?" I reply.
"Oh, I thought you might be unsettled by all the alcohol".
"What alco-".
I turn to my left and see two full bottles of wine on the counter. I look up and see that people are holding wine glasses with alcohol in them. I hadn't noticed it until then.
The alcohol offended me. Like when you see a piece of dog shit on the lawn you think: "how disgusting, someone has just left that there".
That's what I was feeling about seeing the alcohol.
I'm not sure if it was because of that, but I soon became very fatigued and tired. When I caught my girlfriend's eye, I felt like she had a look of "please don't embarrass me" or, "just hold it together".
I ended up going downstairs to have a nap for an hour before my girlfriend came in and said I could go home if I wanted to.
Again, feelings of guilt.