Over the weekend, I completed the last part of step one in the Big Book Awakening by finishing up on the unmanageability of my life.
I was excited to finish this step because I had been working on it for just under five months. I had made the mistake of comparing my recovery to other members in the Alcoholics Anonymous rooms and I felt like I was moving too slow.
As I pass the five month mark of sobriety, I feel myself getting better; I feel I have more energy in the morning, I don't go to bed hoping that I don't wake up and I am able to appreciation for things in the world.
I have come to the conclusion that it is not Alcoholics Anonymous and the Steps that can keep me sober. It has to be a combination of multiple things. I think this because things like going to meetings, calling sober members and doing the step work don't always have the same level of potency.
I have to substitute with other things like exercise, enjoying my hobbies, and therapy. The program of Alcoholics Anonymous is not the be-all-end-all, nor is it simple. Rather, life and recovery isn't simple. It's a constant battle. What works for someone else won't necessarily work for me, but I have to do the work to figure out what will work for me.
Now with Step One completed in AA, I move on to Step Two and must somehow come to terms with a notion of Go or a Higher Power.
My first impressions are resistance, disgust and scepticism. I think I feel these things out of fear; fear that I will lose control of my life or lose accountability.
I am comforted that I do not have to have it all figured out just yet and I am willing to set aside everything I think I know for an open mind and a new experience.